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Technically, the Cardinals had nowhere to go up after last year’s abomination. They had the second-worst overall report card because of shortsighted factors like where they charged their own players for dinner. Arizona no longer does that but is still evidently lacking in overall adequate facilities for professional athletes.

The worst thing the Cardinals do is sequester their players in a tiny locker room. I don’t blame anyone for feeling like they don’t have a home within a home at Arizona’s stadium if it’s so small and meager. Imagine an athletic facility for world-class athletes being compared to an office building. Does anyone even still go to those?

(Michael) Bidwill? Bidwill? Bidwill?

An overall No. 27 ranking feels like a no-brainer:

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Another team with terrible working conditions, the Falcons are also on the up and up but still rank in the bottom fourth of the NFL at No. 25. At the apparent behest of owner Arthur Blank, upgrades are apparently on the way at Mercedes-Benz Stadium.

Most of the Falcons’ poor ranking from this season seems to stem from a hostile culture with the old head strength and conditioning coach. Whatever his specific practices were, the players were not fans of them. It got so bad that the majority of Atlanta’s roster proclaimed it could get a better workout at an off-site location.

Great. Now, I’m trying to envision Bijan Robinson pumping iron at a local LifeTime Fitness. Thanks, Falcons:

The weight room is supposed to be a sanctuary for football players! C’mon now.

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The Bills, just like last year, were one of the better NFL teams in regards to proper facilities, benefits, and attention to their players. The latest report is mostly peachy-keen for Buffalo … except for the fact that (much larger) players sit in economy/smaller seats on the team plane while coaches and ancillary staff get the first-class bump.

Look, I’m not one to usually quibble about airplane politics and who deserves what when you’re literally flying through the sky at 500 miles per hour. (That’s a miracle!) But I’d probably also be pretty annoyed if I was, say, a 300-pound human being who just took 79 hits to my body in a dangerous football game and had to sit in more uncomfortable seats while the nutritionist got all this generous legroom on a long flight.

Whose brilliant idea was this?

This all seems like a major case of misplaced priorities to me.

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Given Tepper’s (ahem) reputation, it should be no surprise to learn he doesn’t care about what his players think of Carolina’s home playing surface. The Panthers’ overall report card isn’t awful — middle of the pack, but not awful — but their synthetic turf leaves a lot to be desired.

Approximately, hmm, let me check the math here … 100 percent (!) of all Panthers respondents said they would prefer playing on grass. Tepper changed to turf in 2021, and the frustrated players believe he did so as a cost-cutting measure, even if it meant risking their health.

Wow. Tepper once again sounds like such a stand-up guy. This is so shocking.

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There is no worse team in the NFL for player working conditions than owner Mike Brown’s Bengals. A No. 32-ranked Cincinnati received an F in three categories (family treatment, food/cafeteria, nutritionist/dietician) and only passed (anything higher than a D) in five of 11 segments.

Even with upgrades like a new recovery, players still seem extremely unsatisfied with what the Bengals offer. For example, half of the team showers don’t even work. They still only offer dinner once a week (what?). Plus, they close the team cafeteria when their players are off and don’t even employ a full-time dietician. Think about that for a second. A professional sports team worth billions of dollars, whose business is predicated on the best possible performance of its players, doesn’t have someone helping them eat healthy full-time. This doesn’t even mention abysmal family and daycare options because I’m so flabbergasted.

I, for one, would think it’s important to let professional players practice good hygiene and have access to consistently optimal nutrition when they’re coming into headquarters to put in extra work. Ah, but what do I know, right?

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The Browns are on the lower end of the spectrum here (No. 23 overall) because, for some reason, they haven’t had a proper weight room for four years. That’s right, dearest readers. The Browns’ main team weight room takes up a comical 15-20 yards of space on their indoor practice field. Do you know how utterly small 15-20 yards of space is for a weight room, especially for a 53-man roster? It’s not great!

Perhaps even worse, the Browns seem to hold players’ families in little regard. The team still has no designated family room at the home stadium, the family meet-up area after games is a parking lot tent, which is understandably challenging in the colder months, and there was a time early last season when seriously injured players weren’t allowed to contact their loved ones to let them know they were OK.

My goodness. That is barbaric.

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Denver is far from bad, per se. It is 17th overall with a new state-of-the-art facility on the horizon, which speaks to massive improvement. But I found two points rather notable from the Broncos’ report card.

For one, in what is probably an isolated issue, the team apparently had security issues during training camp, leading to multiple cars being stolen from the mandatory hotel’s parking lot in Centennial, Colorado. Still, if you mandate that your players all stay in one place together, you should probably make more of a concerted effort to protect their valuables. Food for thought.

What is more pertinent to the current state of the Broncos is that just 72 percent of respondents (27th overall) felt Sean Payton maximized his time with the team. That likely speaks to Payton’s ingrained mentality as an old-school, no B.S. coach, but it’s not something you want to hear about a guy who is supposed to revitalize the franchise. That reeks of a man who should dial it back if he wants more success at Mile High in the future.

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The Colts do have aspects they can hang their hat on. The players appear to respect head coach Shane Steichen greatly, and most of the facilities are described as mostly serviceable. But it’s about who guides the Colts’ players through their workouts that’s the main problem for the No. 22 team.

Many of the players don’t think the strength coaches play a significant role in the on-field product (28th overall), and only 77 percent of players (29th overall) feel like they’re getting customized workout plans tailored to them. There is simply no excuse for a 53-man roster to not get full attention across the board. All the work you put in off the field; all the blood, sweat, and tears should absolutely be integral to what happens on it.

Oh, and if that weren’t enough, the Colts are in a similar travel bind to the Bills — Indianapolis also prioritizes giving more comfortable, larger plane seats to coaches and staff over its players. Woof. I had no idea some NFL teams were really that silly, to be quite candid.

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I don’t know how to put this any other way, so I’ll just say it: The two-time reigning Super Bowl champion Chiefs are, for the most part, an utter disaster behind the scenes. (Yeah … they’re No. 31 overall.)

One of the sole redeeming factors for the franchise appears to be head coach Andy Reid, who was ranked No. 1 overall among all coaches. Beyond that, the Chiefs’ facilities and benefits are an abomination. Kansas had four Fs on its report card, with Clark Hunt being rated as the NFL’s worst owner who is willing to invest more in his players. The overview of the Chiefs’ significant issues for players almost reads like a full-blown essay. It’s mind-boggling.

Here’s a short list of where Kansas City neglects its roster:

• The locker room is overdue for renovation and wasn’t renovated for this season after promises it would be. (They also only got chairs with backs on them this fall.)
• The training staff is tremendously understaffed, with just 43 percent of respondents saying they get proper attention. The training staff is also the lowest-rated in the league.
• Players are not allowed to get preventative treatment like soft-tissue care and other banal day-to-day issues. (WHAT?)
• Family daycare is not offered on-site, but across the street.
• The food stinks in taste and freshness (bottom-third in both categories).
• Players must have roommates on the night before a game.
• The team nutritionist is seemingly rarely at the team facility, and only roughly a third of respondents think they got a custom plan.

But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

AP Photo/David Becker

At No. 10 overall, the Raiders seem to actually take care of their players! Woo! There are no major blemishes on their report card. (Takes a beat)

Oh, right, there is that whole Josh McDaniels elephant in the room. The survey was taken while he was still head coach, and let’s just say that his players clearly despised him enough to make him No. 32 overall among all head coaches. Not only did a majority of respondents say McDaniels wasted their time, but he was also ranked the least likely to actually listen to his players of any head coach.

If not for McDaniels’ antics, the Raiders would have likely had one of the very best report cards overall. I know. I’m just as confounded as you are!

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Don’t let their hire of Jim Harbaugh distract you from the Chargers’ sheer incompetence behind the scenes. They were the No. 30 overall team because of a general malaise in most categories but especially because of food that ranked No. 32 in taste and freshness. Oh, they also charge their players for daycare, and they force the team to sit on a tarmac both ways during road trips, wasting time while waiting for an equipment truck that can never come ahead of time.

What a model franchise!

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For a franchise with such an exemplary track record this century, the Patriots were just No. 29 overall. Most of the player complaints stemmed from a sentiment that New England has not evolved over time, providing outdated equipment, services, and treatment to players.

This is not necessarily a surprise when you also that ex-Patriots coach Bill Belichick was ranked just 27th overall. Why, you might ask? He apparently rarely listened to his players and was No. 31 in that department.

No wonder new head coach Jerod Mayo keeps talking about how the Patriots are trying to grow and do things differently after the Belichick era.

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At just No. 21 overall, the Jets probably have a lot bigger fish to fry than worrying about whether Robert Saleh’s message still wholly resonates with his players. But given that Aaron Rodgers has not retired and New York plans to contend in 2024, it’s worth highlighting the problems connected to Saleh.

In the coaching categories, Saleh was ranked No. 28 overall in time efficiency and No. 29 overall in how willing he is to listen to his players. For a guy who has never won anything meaningful; I don’t know how he begins to get away with that kind of mix.

Now, you might say that some of it has to do with Rodgers and how the organization enabled him once he joined the Jets. I understand that thought process. It is also false because time efficiency by Jets coaches was also a massive problem last year when Rodgers wasn’t in town.

Mr. Saleh, you’ve got some work to do, buddy.

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I have no doubt the Steelers still consider themselves a Class-A NFL organization. I suppose delusions of grandeur can happen to anyone.

Pittsburgh was No. 28 overall in these report cards, with an overall assessment that only a college dropout could be proud of. They were awful in family treatment and locker room quality and barely skated by in other aspects like team travel. At the root of the problem is owner Art Rooney II, who finished No. 31 overall in player confidence. What prestige.

Like the Chiefs, all the Steelers can really hang their hat on is the prowess of Mike Tomlin, the No. 5 ranked head coach. The future First Ballot Hall of Famer commands impeccable respect from his players and appears to be someone more than willing to have healthy back-and-forths with his subordinates.

That’s a good thing because when you take into account the state of the Steelers’ facilities, their scant benefits, and now a near-decade of irrelevance outside of the championship picture, one thing is clear: Pittsburgh should no longer considered be a blue blood.

I mean, can you imagine if Tomlin wasn’t there to drag them to the playoffs every season? (Shudders)

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Forget their recent NFC South “three-peat” for a second because owner Joel Glazer does not take care of the Buccaneers. At all.

Tampa Bay was No. 24 overall in this survey, namely because their workspaces aren’t clean and hygienic. (Shoutout to the quality coaches and training staff!). Players reported — stay with me here — consistently seeing bugs in the showers of a locker room that was usually dirty and poorly maintained. That is so, so, so gross.

I don’t think I need to tell you how important it is that a workspace be clean in any working field, particularly in pro football, where a lack of cleanliness can lead to health issues. This is basic stuff that should never be an issue, people.