Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
I’ve been interested in kava for a while. It’s all thanks to a cargo cult.
There are communities in Vanuatu, the South Pacific archipelago, that once served as staging grounds for Allied troops during World War II. These makeshift bases brought new products and technology to the islands — giant supply caches, vehicles, food and shelter unlike any most of the natives had ever seen. In some cases amongst isolated groups, they wait for the return of these outsiders and the goods air-dropped from heaven. Such is the legend of John Frum.
That’s where I first heard of kava, the root that grows in volcanic soil and is used as a low-key narcotic. It’s distilled into a muddy beverage in Tanna, where the Frum followers live, and imbibed by men after sunset in an effort to tap into hazy messages from outside worlds. And now, you can get it in a slim-fit can and walk around with it like you’re sipping a White Claw.
Mitra9, a Florida-based company, is tapping into a growing market of non-alcoholic, mood-enhancing beverages currently headlined by THC seltzers. Kava is legal in the United States as a diet supplement. Mitra9’s other offering, kratom-based seltzer, is legal in most states but not in my home market of Wisconsin. Fortunately, I’ve got friends and family elsewhere, so I was able to imbibe it without breaking the law in Missouri.
My history with kratom, by the way, isn’t nearly as academic. I hadn’t heard about it until Glenn Howerton drank it on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Great episode by the way. Perhaps the best in years. Still, “the featured drug of a sociopath” maybe isn’t the best endorsement. You should avoid being Dennis Reynolds, five star man, whenever possible.
Let’s see what Mitra9 has to offer, whether it takes any good and, importantly, whether or not it can deliver on the relaxing, anxiety-reducing and borderline euphoric effects listed on the can.
Sparkling Strawberry Watermelon Kava: B+
I’ll be honest. I do not have high expectations for kava. My familiarity with it is from historical stories of village elders drinking the root in order to commune with god through all-night rituals. That part would be nice, though I’m expecting it to be Nerfed somewhat (being legal and all). The less enticing part is hearing the drink described as a cup of mud — not in a folksy cup-of-coffee way, but in a “oh friend, this tastes like hell” way.
A glass pours with a little fizz and measured cloudiness; holding it up to my television suggests that, yep, it’s an opaque white drink similar in stature to old arctic cherry Powerades. It smells fruity, with berry and watermelon coming off the top. That’s backed by a minor, but unmistakable, herbal current.
The drink itself is well balanced. The minor carbonation leads to a creaminess that mixes well with the strawberry and the watermelon carries an extra light effect to the overall flavor. There’s absolutely the taste of bitter roots, though it’s not so overpowering to be distracting. It’s more of a “hey, there’s definitely something in this” compared to a “whoa, what the hell?” vibe.
It imparts a little minor numbness on the tongue but nothing so bad you’d chalk it up to a malevolent reaction. Drinking through a straw really focuses that root flavor and I, whoo, don’t recommend it. Drinking straight from the can is a little less harsh, but ultimately the best way to get the most flavor out of this is sipping it over ice in a glass.
I’ll admit, this is the first slim can I’ve ever had that warns me to “drink slowly to assess tolerance.” White Claw isn’t throwing out advice like that. In that vein, I’m taking a break halfway through to gauge where I’ll end up.
After about half an hour I’m tired but relaxed. My brain feels like I’m in the early stages of a cold and about to head to sleep after a solid dose of NyQuil, only without the drawback of constantly ejecting mucus from my nose or two solid weeks of waking myself up coughing. I decide to ruck back in for more.
The second round doesn’t seem to have a compounding effect; I’m nicely relaxed but pretty much on the same trajectory I was an hour ago. I’m not impaired in any way, but I do feel calmer. That’s kinda nice.
I slept pretty well after this. Not noticeably harder, but with a decided pleasantness. My dreams were weird and complex in a good way, like I was at a Canadian cocktail party talking rouges and 55 yard lines with some Francophone football fans. That’s kinda great actually. More of that, please.
Sparkling Orange Dreamsicle Kava: C
I’m a little wary. Creamsicle is a flavor many hard seltzers — and energy drinks — have tried and failed to replicate with meaningful success. Usually you just get something like “bad mimosa,” shrug and finish the can anyway before banishing the other three in the pack to a neighbor’s cooler once you’re invited over for a cookout. Not one of the better neighbors, mind you.
Kava’s offering offers some light orange and lingering vanilla creaminess. In between is the slightly bitter, herbal root flavor that’s a lot more apparent here than it was in strawberry watermelon. But that passes quickly, and it’s not so bad it’d keep you from drinking more. The aftertaste sticks around long enough to make the whole thing an overall decent experience, even if you wouldn’t confuse it with a soda or seltzer.
I feel like I’m getting less out of this batch. An hour in and I don’t feel much different. I’m not sleepy, which was my whole hope coming into this experiment.
Sparkling Lemonade Kava: B
This is the sweetest of the bunch so far, but that sugar substitute goes a long way covering up the herbal through-line of the kava. It’d be nice if it were a little more acidic, but given the limitations it’s fine.
I do feel like I’m getting the relaxing effects of the kava a little earlier than last week’s dreamsicle. After a long Sunday of NFL work it’s doing some work untying the knots football has left in my brain and, hopefully, clearing the way for a solid night’s sleep. There’s a little bit of numbness around my tongue, but not a distracting amount.
Unfortunately, the sleep I was hoping for didn’t come. I was up after about five hours, worrying about nothing and unable to get back to sleep with a minor, weirdly hot headache. So, three different flavors of kava and three very different experiences. Cool, cool.
Coconut Lychee Kava: D
OK, interesting flavor to wrap things up. It pours a slightly unsettling cloudy white which isn’t especially appetizing. And it smells a little like potpourri or soap so, we’re off to a rough start.
The flavor is… unique. It’s spicy and chalky at the same time. It’s herbal and sweet and I don’t know if I could pick out lychee on its own as a flavor but I’m definitely not getting any coconut here. Well, maybe the husk.
In terms of overall feeling, there’s a little relaxation but nothing major that couldn’t be chalked up to a placebo effect. I’d be fine with that if it tasted better, but that’s frustrating. This was an ambitious swing that missed. It’s weird in all the wrong ways. Ah well.
Watermelon Kratom Seltzer: A
The can definitely has a “strip mall health supplement store” feel to it. The seltzer pours bubbly and the scent of watermelon-inspired flavor is sweet and powerful. Nothing about this seems authentic in any meaningful way, but I’m interested nonetheless.
There’s an unexpected citric acid sourness to the seltzer that makes it way more interesting than I’d expected. I’m gonna assume that’s the kratom making an appearance. It’s not fully covered by the flavoring but the two sides work well in concert. It’s not quite sour gummy deliciousness, but it’s at least fairly close.
After half an hour, I do feel … good. Not wired but slightly energized despite an abject lack of sleep (five uneven hours). I also feel a little less stressed than I would if I’d opted for the heavy caffeine of an energy drink — like there’s a little less static in my brain.
Berry Kratom Seltzer: B
Like the watermelon, you get a rush of big artificial fruit flavor as soon as you crack the can. Then you taste it and understand why; that acidic sourness that worked well with the watermelon is here once again with the berry. It doesn’t work quite as well since it’s starting from a less sweet origin, but it’s not bad. Just … tart.
This round doesn’t have the same low-key energizing effect of the first can, but I do feel pretty relaxed about my own exhaustion. I like where my head’s at, even if I’m still roaming through a bit of an early morning, limited sleep fog. I’m definitely gonna have a cup of coffee after this, however.
So while it didn’t wake me up — I opted for a quick nap — it did give me really vivid, fun dreams. I can’t say if that’s the kratom for sure or just a symptom of my late-season, sleep-deprived brain, but I loved it.
Raspberry Lime Kratom Seltzer: B-
This smells like a straight-up Bomb Pop, which is an easy win for me. It’s much more sour than that, but again not so tart it’s undrinkable. It’s weaker than the other two flavors I started with, leaning heavily into that dry citric acid taste.
The thing I’m noticing with these small doses of kratom is that it does seem to help my mind wander away from anxious things and into lower stakes ideas. Whether or not I’m more creative is probably the kind of outcome I’d need an outsider to judge, but I *feel* like I am. That’s not manifesting in better work or anything, as this column can attest, but it’s enjoyable nonetheless.
Tangerine Kratom Seltzer: B
Whatever fake orange flavor they’re using here smells incredible. It’s like I poured a citrus grove into a glass. And given how well kratom’s inherent sour flavor has worked with acidic bases, I’m hopeful.
The taste itself is relatively inoffensive orange. It’s a little sweet, a little sour and perfectly drinkable. The carbonation is mild and the tangerine does a better job hiding the kratom taste better than any of the other three varieties.
Like the other flavors, I don’t feel more awake after drinking but I do feel more pleasant. It’s like there’s a soft hum inside my brain that helps lower the volume on everything else that’s going on. I like the kratom more than the kava seltzer, even if it didn’t have the effect I expected.
Would I drink it instead of a Hamm's?
This a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I drink Mitra9’s alcoholic-free, mood-supplementing seltzers over a cold can of Hamm’s?
I’d feel comfortable drinking any of these at home and potentially out on a casual weekend, mostly because they’re low calorie and generally taste OK (not you, Coconut Lychee). But in terms of actually feeling anything, I’d begin and end with the kratom, which did seem to have more of a relaxing effect than the kava. One can seemed to do the trick just fine — but I’m open to experimenting with more.
