Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
I’m not especially familiar with Cutwater’s game. What little I know about the canned cocktail brand, I respect.
This mostly boils down to the fact Cutwater packs one hell of a punch. Two-plus shots in each serving. It says so right on the can, boiling 12 ounces of 25 proof pre-made cocktail down to a conversion chart even the hastiest tailgater could understand.
I’ve only bought Cutwater once; their vodka transfusions were marked down to $2.99 per four pack at my local Woodman’s. This was both a convenient way to make golf tolerable and an excellent deal. The grape-ginger-vodka cocktail was potent and tasty enough to be poundable on a hot summer day, but I’ve yet to go back.
Until now, with a sampler of the brand’s most popular canned cocktails; lime margarita, mai tai, mango margarita and Moscow mule — helpfully branded “vodka mule” here because we’re not operating with copper mugs. I know I’m getting a heaping of booze each time I crack a can. Will the cocktails inside taste any good, or will they be a throwback to the Kamchatka and Solo cups of my broke(-er) days?
Transfusions aren’t on the menu today, however. We’re gonna drink our way through Cutwater’s best-sellers. Let’s start with something a bit tropical.
Tiki Rum Mai Tai: B+
The booze within is apparent right off the top of the pour. But it’s not overpoweringly strong; instead you get a lot of that barrel-aged vanilla that comes with a solid dark rum.
That vanilla remains the headliner, rising above a back-current of citrus and just a little alcoholic sting. It’s not enough to make you cringe, but does remind you you’re dealing with something 250 percent heavier than a typical hard seltzer. It rings your lips with a distinct sweetness in the aftertaste that might get cloying after a few cans — but, again, at 12.5 percent alcohol a “few cans” is asking a lot.
It goes down pretty smoothly for what’s effectively a can of wine (think of how smoothly you’ll be able to gesture with it in your hands). It’s not complex, but it’s bold, boozy and sweet. Kinda like a mom who’s getting back on the scene and putting it all out there on Tinder.
Mango Margarita: C
I may be subconsciously burning through my two least favorite best sellers first and foremost. I didn’t like mai tais as a bartender because making orgeat is a pain and I am a lazy, lazy man. I also have an inherent hatred of mangos because simply looking at anything coated in urushiol will leave me covered in itchy blisters for a month.
But mango is an incredible cheat code for seltzers and canned cocktails. It brings a creamy, booze-concealing base that should work wonders here against the backdrop of the two-plus shots promised on most cans of Cutwater. It pours a pale yellow and smells, noticeably, like stale fruit. That’s in part because that’s what mango flavoring sorta smells like in general, but it’s still not ideal.
It’s boozy, which is expected, but also more acidic than you might want from mango. That gets chased away by a thin sweetness that tastes fine, but in no way supplants what you’d get from an actual margarita. It’s decent enough, just not great.
Vodka Mule: B-
At seven percent ABV this is a little less potent than the other Cutwater offerings. But it’s still got about as much booze as a strong IPA and the promise of one of my favorite cocktails. Basically, anything with ginger beer works out great. It’s a cheat code amongst mixers.
You can smell that ginger right off the top of the pour, along with some of that shot-plus of vodka inside. That ginger snap essence slides through to the first sip, even if it’s a bit muted. I want it to taste stronger (and better) than it does. Instead it comes off as a … well, like the kind of cocktail you’d get on an airplane.
That’s the wager you make with Cutwater. You get to cut out the effort of buying separate ingredients and mixing a cocktail yourself. But you also don’t get your preferred balance — in this case, with a spicier balance of ginger beer. Or maybe I just feel stupid because I’m not drinking this out of a copper mug, like a chump.
Lime margarita: A-
We’re back at the 12.5 percent ABV of Cutwater’s traditional offerings. The smell off the top is boozy, sugary citrus. The first sip, however, brings zero alcoholic burn.
This margarita is well balanced; a proper mix of tequila, lime juice and simple syrup. And unlike some of the pretty good seltzers and canned cocktails out there, it clocks in with the potency of a house pour you’d get at the Mexican restaurant where you’re a regular.
There’s not much else to say about it. It’s just a good margarita that requires none of the effort of actually making a good margarita.
Would I drink it instead of a Hamm's?
This a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I drink Cutwater’s canned cocktails over a cold can of Hamm’s?
I’d have no problem starting off a tailgate with any of these. My 6 a.m. wakeup at the Indy 500, for instance, would be a solid place to crack a can even if the heavy booze content makes rolling through a four-pack unsustainable. Honestly, however, I think the best Cutwater cocktail I had was one that’s not on the bestseller list. Get yourself a vodka transfusion. Let me know what you think.
