There isn’t a worse time of the NFL calendar than the week leading up to the draft. That’s when all of the anonymous scouts come out of their holes to disparage young draft prospects about things not at all related to football.

But, anonymous scouts are never going away. NFL teams love to use them to spread misinformation and their scorching hot takes drive clicks for media outlets. We might as well embrace them.

Last year, For The Win channeled the spirit of a fake anonymous scout to present his mock draft, and we’re doing it again this year. In 2018, he couldn’t get through the first 16 picks without us having to cut him off before he really got problematic. Let’s see how far he makes it this year…

1. Cardinals: Daniel Jones, QB Duke

John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

What’s not to love? He’s big. He’s white. And he has a vague connection to Peyton Manning. In this business, that’s what we call a slam dunk.

And, yeah, I know the Oklahoma and Ohio State kids have the great numbers and highlights, but just wait until you see this guy take a snap from under center and throw a five-yard hitch route on third-and-10.

SWOON

Forget about marrying my daughter, this guy can marry my WIFE. I mean, she left and took the kids when I had Ryan Mallett at the top of my board back in 2011 — I missed on the character there, not the player — but you get the point.

2. 49ers: Nick Bosa, DE Ohio State

I know he’s a can’t-miss prospect like his brother, but I’d hesitate to draft the kid — strictly because of his Twitter account. No, I don’t have a problem with him supporting Trump — I actually worked in his cabinet for a three-week stretch back in 2017 — or his peculiar distaste for black artists — Black Panther is right below Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer in my personal comic book movie rankings — but I have a problem with him taking the tweets down. Stand by your possibly racist takes no matter what, son. I want a man who believes in things, as long as those things don’t involve kneeling during the playing of the national anthem.

3. Jets: Quinnen Williams, DT Alabama

Boring prospect. No red flags is a red flag for me. Can’t trust those guys. He’s motivated by the memory of his mother, who died of cancer when he was 12 — for some reason, we include this on scouting reports  — but you know how we feel about mothers in this business…

4. Raiders: Josh Allen, QB Wyoming Edge Kentucky

Oh yeah, I love him. Top-five on my “Could marry my daughter” board, but why are you asking me about 2018 prospects?

5. Buccaneers: Ed Oliver, DT Houston

You’ve probably seen the anonymous quote circulating around Twitter about Oliver being too much of a s**t talker…

Yep, that was my handiwork. Look, I know a thing or two about defensive tackle play. I was in the room when the Vikings decided to sign Hall of Famer John Randle. I wasn’t a team employee, mind you. I just sort of wandered in and stuck around long enough for them to assume I worked there. You know that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer gets fired from a job he doesn’t even have?

It was sort of like that. Turns out, I got a lot in common with Kramer. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, John Randle. My point is, undersized DTs who talk a lot of crap don’t make it in this league.

6. Giants: Kyler Murray, QB Oklahoma

You already know where I’m going with this: I don’t think this kid wants it. He’s a baseball player. I don’t care if he passed on millions of dollars to declare for the draft. I don’t care if the perception of him as a prospect — at least in my world — wasn’t exactly high when the announcement was made, as Master Breer tweeted out on the day of…

I don’t care. That this kid even entertained the thought of playing baseball EVERYDAY is a red flag for me. Have you seen a baseball game? Boring as hell. Sure, the money is guaranteed and you don’t end your career with a mess of CTE, but you actually get to do SOMETHING during the games.

7. Jaguars: D.K. Metcalf, WR Ole Miss

Crossed him off the board as soon as I saw he was related to Terry and Eric Metcalf. Let me tell you something: We have a lot of problems in the NFL, but we do not accept nepotism. This is a meritocracy.

8. Lions: Jonah Williams, OT Alabama

(Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)

Nerd. Big-time nerd. I thought Josh Rosen was bad last year, but at least his nerdom was confined to, like, politics and stuff. This guy is preparing spreadsheets to scout his opponents. Can’t have a dork on your offensive line.

I’m a football guy through and through and let me tell you: I can’t even turn on a computer. No football player worth his salt knows how to. You think Joe Thomas knows what Excel is? You think Lane Johnson has ever heard of a Google Sheet? I can barely read.

9. Bills: Devin White/Devin Bush, LB LSU/Michigan

I just kind of assumed these two were the same guy for the last three months, so I can’t really tell you anything about either of them. But I know I’m white and voted for Bush — all of them, even Jeb — so I’d take both of them on my defense.

10. Broncos: Greedy Williams, CB LSU

Sometimes this job can be pretty easy. It says it right there in his name. He’s not a team-first guy. More of a look-at-me type. Those guys just don’t make it at corner.

11. Bengals: Dwayne Haskins

USA TODAY Sports

I’ve heard some anonymous execs question Haskins’ obsession with his brand, and I get it. I’m sorry, but Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks DO NOT care about their brand. You think Tom Brady would even think about causing any disruption in the Patriots organization because of his brand? I think not. You think Russell Wilson cares about branding? No sir.

I like Haskins’ tape. He’s big and immobile, just like we like our (wink) quarterbacks. But, I’m not sure if I’d let him marry my daughter. Just something about him–

OK, we’ll cut the anonymous scout off there before things get any more problematic. He didn’t even make it as far as last year, but you can rest knowing he’ll be back with more fiery takes a year from now. 

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